Sorry, your browser doesn't support Java. 

Version 2.A13, revision c1...umm, cubed

"The only difference between me and Bud Bundy is that Bud only has to be a geek thirty minutes at a time...I'm stuck with it year round" ---Shake-Man

Well, it's been over two years now since I first staked a claim in my own little rathole of cyberspace, and I figured my awesomely cool pad could use some remodeling. So, with that said, welcome to the new and vastly improved crib of the coolest and smoothest cat daddy to ever walk the land. (Ahh, being deluded can be a good thing, don't ya think? And it's a whole lot cheaper than medication.)

Anyway, not much has changed in my little world. I still live at home with the folks, I still have posters of wickedly fine chicks hanging on my walls, and I still get sadly spastic around the opposite sex. I have learned in the last couple of years, however, that most chicks will not kill you or poke your eyes out or anything horrific like that if you talk to them, and they really are just normal people. And I haven't vomited on any of them yet, and that rocks! Have no fear, though, because I haven't spun a 180, I haven't done an about face, and I haven't violated every self-imposed moray that makes me a unique individual...I'll leave that to the politicians. I still don't have girlfriend. Heck, I haven't even been on a date...geez, that is pretty pathetic, isn't it? But I do talk to chicks a whole lot more than I used to, and I'm proud to call a whole bunch them my close friends. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm still the same gimp that I've always been. I'm just a little bit closer to being normal than I used to be. I'm not quite Casanova yet, but I'm kind of like Casanova's geeky cousin with a really bad cowlick who comes over to visit every now and then and still thinks Optimus Prime shouldn't have died, actually remembers all the band members' names in Poison, cries every time he sees "Titanic", and uses the word "booby" just a bit too much.

To reiterate for any first time visitors, I'm a 26 year old from Alabama. I graduated from Auburn University in 1996. I look like a 12 year old, act like a 17 year old, but I have the social life of an 80 year old...in other words, Uncle Jesse from The Dukes of Hazzard gets more chicks than I do, and he's dead. I totally cannot relate to chicks. You might be wondering how I got the nickname Shake-Man...ok, you might not give a crap, but I'll tell you anyway. I was I really nervous child, partially because I was really nervous but mainly due to fact that I ingested enough caffeine everday to wake the dead. All that pent up stress, along with the cola running through my veins, caused my hands to shake a lot....therefore, the nickname. I don't shake as much as I used to, I don't know why. It may to due to all that Valium I eat...just kidding...maybe. Here is a picture of me when I was at my coolest. Everything kind of went downhill after that. I am a whole lot like Bud Bundy from Married With Children. Here is a Real Audio clip of Bud's sister, Kelly, explaining the tender, complex relationship between men and women. I really really dig the opposite sex, but I can't seem to communicate with them very well. I guess it could be fear of rejection, fear of commitment, fear of rejection...whoops, did I already mention that one? I guess it all comes down to the fact I really freak out when real girls actually talk to me because the ones in the magazines can't...plus, real girls don't fold in half in the middle and have staples. I keep telling myself that girls are no different from guys and I shouldn't be so shy and reserved around them. Then I see notice that they have boobs, and that throws that whole theory out the window. I'm just praying that one of these days I'll get the nerve up to actually get a social life. I'm also praying that geeks come back in style.

I don't really like my job too much. With that said, I don't generally fit into the mold that one would expect for such a job, which sometimes gets people stirred up, especially older people who think that someone in my profession should always walk around with a stick up his butt. I'm hoping one day to either start liking my job more or get rich and quit. I started dabbling around in the stock market, and so far I've managed to lose a whole lot of money for both myself and my family members who actually believed I knew what I was doing. But I am getting better at it. So far this year, I'm on the positive side, and I'm helping my family make a little extra cash. I might not be rich yet, but at least the folks are letting me sit at the dinner table again.

As I mentioned before, I'm kind of immature for my age. I'm not an idiot or a spoiled brat or a bedwetter or anything like that, at least not anymore. I just tend to identify more with the younger generation that I do with my own. I still read comic books, listen to heavy metal, and I still think that Transformers: The Movie is one of the most butt kicking flicks in history. I guess I could sum up my favorite things into three distinct categories: movies, music, and women. So take a peak at the inside of my head. You'll feel a whole lot more normal for it.

Hey, kids, I've got a new page on my site. Isn't that nice? Whatever. It's called Shake-Man's Shamelessly Sappy Page of Ka-Ching, and it's all about sweepstakes, games, contests, programs, etc. that can get you some cash while you're wasting time on the net. No need to thank me. I'm just that kind of cool beans, baby, yeah. I'm smooth and in-tune with all the hip cats. I'm large and in charge. I'm...hold on there, almost developed a self-esteem there for a second...naughty.

Flicks 

I really like action movies. Nothing gets my juices flowing more than seeing the good guys kick the living crap out of the bad guys. It kind of reminds me of my school days, except I was the one getting the living crap beat out of me. Here lately, though, I've been trying to get in touch with my feelings, reaching down deep into my psyche to find a common compassion for my fellow man...ok, that's a lie. I'm just becoming a crybaby in my old age, and the movies I like are starting to reflect that. Here is a short list, in order, of my current favorite all-time flicks.

1. Titanic--This is the best movie I have ever seen; it's probably the best one I'll ever see. It's also the saddest, most depressing film I've ever seen. I think this movie is single-handedly going to force me to increase my Prozac dose. I would just like to say that I hate James Cameron for making this thing end so sadly. As much I admire you for making the perfect motion picture, Jimmy, you made me cry too much, and for that you suck. I couldn't even eat my Big Mac after the movie because I was too busy sobbing. Thank you for making me choke on my burger. And for anyone that's wondering, I went to see it with my family, not with a girl (big surprise, wooo). I'm glad I didn't go see it with a chick, though. She would've had to drive me home because I would've been in the back seat squalling, and that probably wouldn't have added any smoochy-at-the-end-of-the-date points to my scorecard. For once, I was glad there were no girls around.Here is the official web page about the movie. Check it out. I have seen the movie three times now, and I cried like an idiot each time, but at least now I can eat afterwards without making a fool of myself. I went to see it the third time with my mom (don't laugh...ok, laugh) because, believe it or not, the first time she saw it she didn't think the ship sank...where was she when the film was playing??? She appreciated the drama and the tragedy the second time around, though. She also told me that I might need to seek counseling for my crying episodes....but I digress.
2. Terminator 2-Judgement Day--almost perfect, and it made Edward Furlong the big star that he is today (hehe). Seeing the first Terminator isn’t really a prerequesite for this one. The whole premise is pretty well explained at the beginning. I really could have done without seeing Robert Patrick’s weenie, though…yeah, well, just wait til you see it buddy, and you’ll agree with me. Anyway, James Cameron is the man!
3. The Sixth Sense—oh, boy…now this was a humdinger of a flick. No sex, hardly any violence, only minor language, but it will scare the living crap out of you…trust me. It’s also an extremely touching film. Bruce Willis and that kid, Haley Joel Osment, both give fine performances. That kid will probably get an Oscar nomination for this one. Oh, and there’s one specific thing about this movie that makes it all worthwhile. It even makes up for Hudson Hawk that Bruce did a few years ago. I can’t tell you what it is, but you’ll know it when you see it.
4. Varsity Blues -- what can I say? This movie kicked some major gluteus. It had everything:

A: excellent acting, especially from big daddy James Vanderbeek of Dawson's Creek. "I don't want yer liiiife!" Man, that was awesome. And the guy that played Billy Bob, man, he was born to play that role. And that pig, man, that pig was born to play that pig...whatever, don't even try to decipher my genius intellect.

B: a killer soundtrack. "Run" by Collective Soul really captures the feel of teen angst and confusion, even better than "Hangin' Tough" by New Kids On the Block. And don't even get me started on "Thunderstruck" from AC/DC during one of the game scenes. I can't understand half of what lead singer Brian Johnson is singing, but I had to buy the Razor's Edge CD anyway (The Varsity Blues soundtrack had a sub par cover of the song done by another band, I don't know why).

C: universal theme. Football and chicks. Who can't identify with one or both of those motifs? Heck, I don't even like football that much, but this movie made me want to don the pads and helmet and get the crap knocked out of me and then have an ice cream sundae.

D: why the heck am I itemizing this stuff in outline form? Nevermind. Anyway, this movie was the mack daddio.

5. Far and Away--while I'm getting all sentimental here, I thought I'd add this one, too. Ron Howard (Apollo 13, Backdraft) directed it, and it starred Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Awesome movie. It wasn't received well at the theatres when it came out, but it still rocks in my honestly geeky opinion. I cried big time at the end of this one, too. "Tell me you like my hat, Shannon!" Man, that ruled.
6. Hard Target--Van Damme was believable in this one, and it was John Woo's first American film; it was awesome! More bullets than an Army weapons depot, and it had Yancy Butler (from "Brooklyn South", which got cancelled, and she also played the android in that show "Mann and Machine" a few years ago, which also got cancelled) in it. She's hot.
7. Face/Off-- Stylish, excellent plot, incredible explosions and action, excellent performances by Nick Cage and John Travolta, and those trademark John Woo shootouts. I should really be in John Woo's next film since I am also a trademark shootout. I have no idea what that means. It's late, and I have a headache. Anyway, the movie's terrific.
8. Gross Point Blanke--I didn't see this movie until recently, and it kicked boot-tay. John Cusack plays a hitman who goes to his ten-year high school reunion and reunites with his chick, played by Minnie Driver. Funny, offbeat, action packed, and lemon flavored...just like me. It rocked.
9. Best of the Best 2--some of the best fighting scenes to ever be captured on film. Eric Roberts at his best (?). The main attraction of this film, however, is co-star Phillip Rhee. His fighting toward the end of the movie is legendary. Plus, Wayne Newton!
10. Eight Seconds--OK, this is my last trip down tearjerker lane, but I couldn't leave it out. This movie chronicles the inspiring but tragic life of Lane Frost, a famous rodeo dude. It stars Luke Perry from "90210" (still one my favorite shows...sorry, it just is). I went to see it with a friend of mine when we were still going to school in Auburn. He wasn't a girl, either, but you probably guessed that already. Anyway, it was awfully sad. At the end of the movie my friend got the bright idea for us to leave the theater really quick so nobody would see us crying...big mistake. I just made it to the bathroom before I started sobbing like an idiot. We must have looked like a couple of lunatics, me bent over the toilet squalling and him standing at the urinal pretending to take a leak so nobody would notice him blubbering (and don't say you didn't, Opie, cuz I heard you, you big wuss). It was a good thing nobody came in until we had composed ourselves. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, rent it. It's a great date video, not that I would know. I just figure it would be. I always wind up kissing myself after watching it, so it might help you get lucky with a chick.
11. The Matrix-- yeah, baby! This flick was all that!...all that?..ugh. Anyway, this movie had a super plot, awesome special effects, cranked up fighting scenes, and enough bullets flying in the shootouts to make Johnny Woo proud. And why does everybody keep saying that Keanu Reeves can't act? Ok, maybe that "What would you do? What would you do?" line from Speed was a bit overdone, but come on, give the guy a break. From Bill and Ted to this, that's a pretty good range.
12. Con Air--This movie rocked!! The effects were spectacular, the humor was perfectly timed, and the action and stunts were excellent. This was a definite No-Pee movie (No-Pee: a film in which you bare the pain and discomfort of a full bladder so that you will not miss one minute of the movie. No-Pee, and all likenesses, © 1999 by Shake-Man. The use of No-pee without prior approval, whole or in part, is strictly prohibited, unless you're bigger than I am, a good looking chick, or both, in which case I guess it's OK.) All right, I did go to the bathroom once, but I knocked some old geezer down in the hallway just to get back into the theater. So there.
13. Rapid Fire--the late Brandon Lee's big debut; the was Brandon's first big movie, the one he made right before he got killed making The Crow. It's a shame that he died, because this movie showed that he had the potential to be a great martial arts star, just like his dad, Bruce Lee. There were some awesome butt-kicking scenes in this film. Plus, Powers Boothe!

Music

I listen to hard rock, mostly stuff from the late 80's and early 90's, stuff like Poison, Warrant, Babylon A.D., Bon Jovi, just to name a few. That's why the chicks dig me so much. The whole hair band scene really fell from the spotlight quickly, but the music rocks, and that's all that really matters. I guess that, being from the dirt hills of Alabama, I should like country music. It's all right, but all of that twang really tends to get on my nerves after a while. I prefer grinding riffs, chest pounding drums, and soaring guitar solos over tobakky-spittin' music any day of the week. Plus, hair band music promotes slamming your head against the steering wheel of your vehicle, and that's always a good thing.

I've added some audio clips from each of the bands for your listening pleasure, and also because I don't have anything better to do. You'll need to hear them. Granted, they sound crappy using RealAudio, but so do I, so I guess that makes it all right. Just click on the note symbol to get an earful. Here is a current list of my favorite hard rock albums:

1. New Jersey--Bon Jovi. Jon and the boys at their best. However, Jon's newest album, "Destination Anywhere", makes me wish the boys from Jersey would start using hair spray and wearing spandex again. Here's my Bon Jovi: New Jersey desktop theme.
2. Babylon A.D.--Babylon A.D. A relatively unknown band whose originality and creative skills should have sent them to number one, or at least people should've heard of them. They only released two albums. Ron Freschi, lead guitarist of Babylon A.D., signed my guestbook. I emailed him back to thank him, and eventually we wound up talking on the phone. It was awesome! Ron's an excellent guy. He even asked me to join the band, but I told him I was too busy with the chicks to play in some rock band. OK, that part's a lie, but he did call me. Thanks, Ron. The band has gotten back together, and has released a live album. They are also hard at work on a new studio album. Here is a link to the Babylon A.D. home page. Plus, here's a link to the Babylon A.D. desktop theme that I made. As far as I know, this is the only B.A.D. theme around.

"Rod Roddy, tell our contestant what he wins for being the first Babylon A.D. theme guy!"

"Well, Bob, Shake-Man wins a 1990 Ford Escort with standard options, comfortable bucket seats, 5-speed transmission, and California emission! Ahh, just kidding, Bob, he doesn't win bloody crap."

Anyway, the theme is about 1.6MB. Check it out. Here is a preview of theme in case you think it sucks, and you don't really want it.

3. Open Up and Say Ahh--Poison. Bret and crew at their hardest and best. Welcome back, CC. Let's lose the make-up this time around, okie dokie? I have a hard time convincing my friends that you guys are cool when you look like the Bangles. Bret Michaels, the lead singer, came out with a new solo album and has some films in the pipeline. Here is a link to his homepage. The band is going on tour this summer, and they plan to release a new studio album soon. Yeah, baby.
4. What Comes Around Goes Around--Tuff. It took me three years to get a hold of a copy of this one. I remembered seeing the video for I Hate Kissing You Good-Bye on MTV a long time ago. The lead singer is a dead ringer for Bret Michaels, the lead singer of Poison. For some odd reason, I took it as a personal mission to land a copy of this CD. I searched the internet, pawn shops, everywhere. I found Jimmy Hoffa's body, but I never found this CD, until now. I'm glad I got it, cuz this CD rocks! "Wake Me Up" is one the best power ballads I've ever heard. It gives me chill bumps. Thanks to Shawn Card for helping me get one. He's a real pal. Drop him a line. He's got a lot of Tuff stuff for sale. Stevie Rachelle, the lead singer, put out a solo album. It's a departure from the Tuff stuff, but it's still good. Stevie signed my guestbook. Thanks, Stevie! Now, both Babylon A.D. and Tuff have graced my guestbook page. In related news, both bands are seeing newly resurrected success.... coincidence??? I don't think so. I am a 140 pound lucky rabbit's foot, baby.
5. No More Tears--Ozzy Osbourne. Zakk Wylde rocks!!!...Bah!!!...Arghh!!! ...sorry. I never much cared for Ozzy back in his old bat (or was it chicken?) eating days. But this album makes you want to go out and beat somebody up and then play a guitar solo, and that's what music should be.
6. Jamie Walters--Jamie Walters. This is the guy who used to play Ray on Beverly Hills, 90210. He had a lot of armpit hair. The whole album is good. "The Comfort of Strangers" will probably go down as one of my favorite songs of all time. Jamie released a second a new album. It's all right, but not as good as the first one.
7. Dog Eat Dog--Warrant. They threw away their bubblegum image with this gut wrencher. This is probably their best album. Unfortunately, it came out about the same time that Nirvana released their "Nevermind" album, and we all know what that did to the careers and sales of straight ahead rock bands. "Bonfire" is one rocking song, along with "Bitter Pill". Their latest offerings have been a little too out there for me. Werd is that the band is returning to its roots. I hope so.
8. Holy Water--(the new) Bad Company. These guys may not be exactly teenagers, but they know how to rock, even if they do all qualify for Social Security. They haven't been quite up to par since Brian Howe, their lead singer left, however.
9. Bat Out of Hell II--Meat Loaf. (Okay, not exactly hard rock, but Jim Steinman's songwriting skills will give you goosebumps.) Warning: Meat sweats a lot. I don't know what that means. It's just good information to have handy, like for cocktail information and stuff.
10. Electric Angels--Electric Angels. Okay, I challenge you to find this album anywhere. Okay, I have seen it on Ebay, but that's it. I found it in a pawn shop when I was looking for the Tuff CD. It literally fell on me. This CD is really good. It kind of reminds me of Tesla mixed with GNR and The Black Crowes, but it's actually much better than any or them, in my opinion. The lyrics are some of the best I've ever heard. These guys have a really dry sense of humor. Awesome!

Chicks

 I guess it's probably obvious, but my favorite pastime is the opposite sex. I tend to like any woman with a pulse, but there are a few who really make it hard for me to concentrate. Here is a list of my favorite babes, along with pictures suitable for drooling, whatever that means. It should be noted that I know each and every one of these chicks on a personal level. They all adore me and would not be where they are today without me. They like to play little games with me as a sign of their endearing affection. You know, like when they refuse to acknowledge that they have dated me or even know me and call the cops on me and get anti-stalking orders against me...you crazy girls...naughty. Anyway, I’ve been debating whether or not to add Britney Spears to the list. Considering she’s only 17, I feel kind of ooky drooling over her. Granted, she’s got Mt. Boobmore growing on her chest and everything, but still. Anyway, I’ve decided not to add her to the list right now. I’ll wait til she turns 18, add her, and then we can all drool over her. I always feel so good about myself after I do something socially aware and morally superior…did I mention that Britney has some major league snack trays? I thought so.

1. Katie Holmes--she plays Joey on Dawson's Creek, one the most awesome shows to come out in a long time. This chick is hot, hot, hot. Did I mention that she was hot? She gives me that swimmy-headed feeling. It is my new goal in life to one day woo this girl and convince her to marry me and live happily ever after...either that or just find a bunch of pictures of her on the web. Here is a page with a few pictures of her I found. I'm waiting for her to get in touch with me so I can take her out to Taco Bell...my treat, babe. By the way, the season finale of Dawson's Creek rocked, but now Joey hates Dawson, again. Sources tell me that my character, Stud-Man (they couldn't use Shake-Man because of my highly stringent copyrights) will be Joey's new love interest in coming episodes. Keep your eyes peeled.
2. Jenny McCarthy--she gets a lot of criticism because she acts stupid all the time. She could be braindead with a big Q-sign for all I care. I think she's a babe. Check this out. This one was taken after a party at my house, really. She stayed over because we spent most of the night playing Mortal Kombat. No kidding.  Oh, and did I mention that I am really patriotic.
3. Jennifer Love Hewitt--ok, I saw I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, and seeing this hotty in that black bikini (boobies) was worth the four bucks I spent on admission. I never realized before just what a fine babe she is. I don't know why I haven't noticed her (boobies) before...only thing I can figure out is that I must have turned gay or something like that for a few months and she just slipped by my Lust-O-Matic radar screen. This chick's got everything, good looks, (boobies), brains, and plus she's really emotional. I like chicks like that. They tend to start crying during Titanic just a few seconds before I do, so I can laugh at them for being so sappy just before I start sobbing. To top it all off, Jen has some really nice, uh, boobies. Anyway, for anybody that doesn't know who she is, Love, as she likes to be called (or Lovey Poo Bear as she likes me to call her) stars on Party of Five and also has a singing career. She also makes me french toast on occasion, but that's privileged information. Here is a page of pictures she had taken just for me.
4. Christina Applegate--she plays Kelly on "Married with Children" (again, the coolest show on television, may it rest in peace). Click here for a pic. Here's another one. It was taken at a photo mat at the mall a few years ago. See, Christina begged me to go out with her, so I took her to see Hudson Hawk (maybe that explains why she broke up with me). Christina now plays in "Jesse" on NBC.
5. Gillian Anderson--she plays Dana Scully on the X-Files. The truth is out there; she's a babe. That was corny. I need to get out more. Click here for a pic. This is a picture I took right after I told her that I really wasn't a rich and highly influential film producer. Oh, and did I mention that I really like pineapples?
6. Tiffany Amber Thiesson--the 90210 babe used to play on the Saved By the Bell. She can crush my skull with the bell. I don't care. This is a picture I took of her on our honeymoon, really. We were standing in the lobby of Motel 6 and she said, "Hey, you studly piece of hunky male perfection, take a picture." So I did, really.

Anyway, that's just a peek into my sad little world. Drop by again. This site is constantly evolving due to the fact that I don't have a life. Feel free to drop me a line. I'm willing to talk about practically anything, movies, music, chicks, even questions about drugs and other medical crap. I'm pretty busy with all the chicks, but I'll try to find time to read and answer it.

I might not have mentioned it before, maybe for a lot of personal, selfish reasons, I don't know, but I'm a Christian. I would never have made it this far in life without the hope and peace that my personal relationship with God has afforded me. I try to go to church on Sundays, pray a lot, read some inspirational and uplifting devotions, and generally be a good person. It's not easy, but if it were, everybody would be doing it. I'm not going to preach. An old saying says "Don't point out a splinter in your brother's eye when you've got a log in your own," or something like that. I can't remember. Anyway, I've got a duplex log cabin with a screened in porch and heated Jacuzzi homesteaded in my eye, so I've got no right to judge anybody. Therefore, I'll leave that kind of stuff to more qualified people. There are some good places on the net to learn more. Just click on the nifty spiffy spinning cross to go to one. And if, for some strange reason you would ever want to talk with me about being a Christian, drop me an email. Lord knows I've screwed up enough, and I need to make amends somehow.

By the way, if you've got , please drop in and visit my pet fish, Loser. He gets lonely.

Last updated 09/18/99 by Shake-Man

Please pity me and sign my guestbook. It helps keep the cost of my therapy down, and every guestbook entry goes toward teaching hungry dolphins how to eat each other. Then take a look at all the people who have pitied me before.

You are rubbernecker number  to view this tragedy of a site since 4/14/97. I you're really bored, take a look at my page stats to see who all has stumbled in here before you. Page stats provided by W3Stats.

Hey, how about some nifty search engine fun!! Yay!! OK, maybe it’s not that exciting, but trust me, everything’s exciting after that morning Prozac dose. It’s more fun than an anal fissure…Anal Fissure?? Isn’t that the chick who shot Joey Buttafuoco’s wife…nevermind. Anyway, you can find a whole lot of useful and useless crap using the search engine below.

This page created, or re-created 6/10/99 using Microsoft Word 2000